New You(th)

She flails her limbs and screams her joy. 

At times I drop into the moment to feel the fragments of my lost and invisible youth, to witness and experience the unconditional joy I missed. 

I thank my daughter for allowing me to find and feel my obscure childhood through her own. 

Celtic Mother and Child Knot
The rawness of motherhood takes you back to a place that is stripped of careers, modern aspects of social life, carved out identities and so forth. In my opinion this rawness of motherhood is felt especially by mothers who are stay-at-home moms. This mother (in many cases) has sacrificed much. She may have given up a career, chose to home school, become a homemaker, and so on, and with this sacrifice comes a return to primordial mothering.

Tending to her children 24/7, many mothers experience the frustration of not being able get much accomplished personally, or she may have found herself in a daze wondering how she might get through the day amidst the demands of needy children. The mother on many occasions has had to cave to the beckoning of a child, the beckoning to be right there in the moment with them. These episodes (and then some) call for us mothers to strip ourselves of what may not matter in the larger scheme of things.

I imagine that the mothers of antiquity didn’t have quite the same struggles that modern moms tend to have. Modern motherhood contends with careers, social standards, and identities we think we need for relevance. Primordial mothering calls to us from the deep through the loneliness we feel when there’s nothing but us and the little ones all day, everyday. It calls to us when we feel the frustration over not being able to complete personal tasks, chill with friends, have a date night, etc. Primordial mothering calls us when we feel the resentment, the reality that our lives have forever changed. I could go on…

The resentment, anger, loneliness, sadness, etc. is the raw, stripped, original version of motherhood asking us to sit and be with her. It is the jolt toward understanding what it means to be called to the role of mother.

Working moms also experience the same pull toward these original aspects of motherhood. It may come in the form of guilt over being absent in the child’s life majority of the week, or it may be the the need to ignore how drained we feel after a long day of work. The mother ignores that worn feeling because she feels she must answer the most important call, which is the call toward mothering. Of course these things may not be felt by all moms, but I think it’s true for those who are tuned in and feel this connection to their children and their role as mother.

So…

In my meditations upon the mysteries of motherhood, I’ve gathered that this path is looking to strip away the appearances, the roles that came before, the pretenses, the avoidance of self. This is why we might feel guilt at pursuing a career instead of solely pursuing the role of the mother. This is why we might feel like we’ve lost ourselves within the throes of motherhood. We might feel frustration, anger, resentment, love, happiness, a longing unlike any other… All this happens because a stripping, a bearing of the true self, a revealing of the soul wants to unfold for us. Motherhood is truly a path back to the beginning, back to the self, back to God, back to the great mother, back to the nothingness.
Motherhood asks you to lose yourself and then get to know self. Yourself is ego, self is not. Getting to know self is getting to know God. Self is God. (More on this soon …)

Motherhood can be a rebirth into a more heavenly space or it can be a drop down into the bowels of hell. (Extreme, I know!) Just depends on your level of understanding.

To be continued…